Excerpt from David Sedaris’ "Twelve Moments in the Life of the Artist"

After a few months in my parents’ basement, I took an apartment near the state university where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these is dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations. The moment I took my first burning snootful, I understood that this was the drug for me. Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit? These are questions for insecure potheads. A speed enthusiast knows that everything he says or does is brilliant. The upswing is that, having eliminated the need for both eating and sleeping, you have a full twenty-four hours a day to spread your charm and wit.