Just got off the phone with my parents (they had called earlier). Got caught up a little bit on how things are going, and told my mom about some freelance stuff going on. Next thing I know, my dad’s on the phone and he asks:
Hey, did you know your diary is on the web?
OK. Things just got a LOT more interesting.
So now my parents (and soon, the rest of my family will) have access to my blog. Every day of my life, since July of 2002. I don’t know how I feel about that, and from what they’ve told me… my parents don’t know how they feel about it either. From what they’ve said, they want to read this thing, but they also don’t want to read it as well. What a Catch-22 it must be for them!
The big question then: why have I not told my family and my relatives about this blog sooner? I guess it’s one thing having friends and strangers reading this thing, and it’s a whole ‘nother ball of wax to have your family peering into your daily ins and outs. A big part of me felt that I would be too self-conscious if I knew they were lurking around somewhere in the background. Parents will get more concerned than friends and strangers because… well, they’re parents. They’re always on the lookout, and keeping an eye out for your best interests.
Here are some things I’m genuinely worried about. I’m worried about censoring myself or editing myself too much. I say too much because, as much as I make available here… I’m always editing and censoring some part of things. I’m also worried about upsetting my family. Like I was telling my dad, I have good days, I have bad days. Like everyone else in this world, my mood and attitude change, and frequently at that. Some days I’m depressed and sad for no reason, and other days I’m optimistic beyond belief.
Let me cut to the chase. There have been a few moments where, when I’ve been upset or angry, I’ve said some negative things about my family. I’m not worried that I felt this way because I believe everyone, regardless of who you are, gets angry and negative towards their family at some point. What I’m worried about is that I took a cheap way out; instead of talking things through with my parents, I vented on the blog, dusted my hands off and was done with the matter.
On the other hand, there have been several fantastic moments where I’ve been surprised and delighted by my family. In both cases, I didn’t tell them what I was truly thinking/feeling. Now that they have access to this journal, perhaps I will learn to be more open with them.
I gotta say – I’ve been struggling hard to keep from going back and editing previous posts. But god, if I did that, what would be the point of all this then? Why even keep this thing running if all I do is show you happy smiley rainbow pictures?
I don’t want to come across as being negative towards anyone on this blog, least of all my family. If anything, I want to come across as being honest with what I’m thinking and feeling at the time I write things. I discovered fairly early on that to write entries at the expense of actual communication is a poor decision. Perhaps it’s time I was reminded of that once more.
Ultimately though, I don’t think it’s anything to do with other people. Sure, on some small scale it does, but this is my blog, this is my diary. When I talk about other people, it’s all through my filter, and how I perceive them. If I’m upset or angered or delighted by something, it’s less about the cause and all about my interpretation. In my mind (and this is really interesting, since I have only just now been forced to think like this), it’s not the events that make this thing worth reading. Sure, it’s neat to see an art show or a road trip, but what should be the primary focus is how I act, how I receive these events and moments.
In my mind, you’re not reading this to see all the cool events and activities that I happen to be a part of. You’re reading this to see how I act and react within a myriad of social environments. When I look over things, it’s not about any one particular day or time. Here I was hungry, here I was tired, here I was happy, here I was angry. Sure there are moments of great happiness that I refer to, but the point of all this is in the variation. It’s not one day, it’s the whole damn blog, start to finish. It’s not about good moods or bad moods, confidence or self-deprecation, it’s about the wide range of emotions and reactions that span from when this blog started to whenever I shut the doors.
Am I worried that my parents will get mad about some parts of this blog? Yes.
Will my parents get worried about me after reading parts of this blog? Yes.
Will my parents and I have some really interesting conversations next time we talk?
Yes. 
