Ann Paeth: One Year Ago
I knew that I was fast approaching the anniversary of my friend Ann’s death, but I didn’t realize that it was tonight. I’ve been thinking about her recently, but very briefly – knowing that I’d be really reflective once the date hit. And tonight, I didn’t even realize it was a year ago that this happened. It totally took me by surprise.
I guess it did the first time too.
Tonight, I’ve been digging through old boxes looking for photographs of Ann, for poems she’d written. I didn’t take many photos during my time at OSU, and I’m kicking myself for that not. I wonder if I’m not trying to overcompensate for all that lost time, obsessively carrying around a camera like I do.
Still, I remember Ann as not really caring to have her picture taken much. I found a few, and decided to try to take a picture of one of them, so I could post it on here.
This was taken in my first or second year in the MFA program at OSU. L to R it’s Mark, Aimee, Ann, Me and Melinda. We were at some fast-food chain place called Johnny Rockets – burgers, fries, shakes and such. This was probably a year or two before Ann and I started dating.
Ann was really quite incredible. She had an amazing sense of humor, knew Simpsons trivia better than almost anyone else I know, did Math Puzzles just for fun… she was pretty terrific. Every once in a while, I’ll find some fragment, some little thing that will make me think of her.
Right now, I’m feeling particularly shitty in regards to the shamrocks she gave me. Ever since the workers started doing construction in my place… the plants haven’t been getting much love. Just yesterday, I realized that the one shamrock that flowered was officially dead.
Not a huge thing. And I’m used to the dormant period with these flowers where it seems like nothing is happening at all. But from a symbolic sense, this makes me feel like shit. This plant was the last living thing that tied me to Ann, and I couldn’t even keep the fucking thing alive. Light and water – really, how hard is that?.
My relationship with Ann deteriorated a lot, after I moved to Chicago. Over the past few years (and especially since her death) I realize that I project a great deal onto these flowers. What used to be healthy and vibrant has since dwindled into absence.
Before we parted ways in Columbus, there was a time where I considered moving out to Riverside, California with her. She was bound for a PhD program in Dance, and instead of going with her out West I decided to pursue a career in Chicago.
It’s idiotic and unreasonable, but I wonder what would have happened had I moved out there with her. I know there was a large part of her time in California that made her unhappy, and a part of me wonders “what if” a great deal. It’s a ridiculous notion, but when I was at her funeral it was a genuine thought I had in my brain. I know it makes no sense. I know it’s unfair. I know it’s just me throwing guilt on myself. But a small part of me felt that, had I loved her more, she wouldn’t have died.
Earlier tonight, I did a random google search and came across a memorial to her, written by a professor of hers from Hope College, Jack Ridl. I remember hearing these words during her funeral, and was touched at how well they captured Ann’s personality, her quirky spirit.
Attending her funeral helped me a great deal, but it was also an incredibly lonely experience. I drove out to Bay City alone and knew no one there. I explained who I was and how I knew Ann (“We were in graduate school together; we dated for a while as students”), but nobody knew who I was. I met her family, and they were struggling with the weight of what had happened. I remembered Ann’s father, and the day we all helped her move in to her new apartment – but I don’t know that he remembered me.
Everyone else there seemed to know Ann so much better than me. Me, with my small window of time with her, knowing her a few years in school. Each time I’d introduce myself and describe my relationship with Ann… it felt like I was trying to justify my being there, like I had to explain what I was doing there, attending her wake. It was an incredibly lonely experience.
For both the wake and the funeral, I felt like an outsider with my grief. There were conversations and consolations, but nothing beyond a nod, a handshake, a reassuring hand on the shoulder. During the funeral, the pastor read snippets of Ann’s poems, and this drove me crazy to no end… as he didn’t read a single poem in its entirety.
Between the wake and the funeral, I stayed in a room at a Holiday Inn. I got drunk at the bar by myself. I wrote short poems that tried to summarize how angry I was at God. I cried a lot, both in public and in private. In the church, during the funeral, I sat alone in my own pew, near the back.
That whole weekend, I really, really wanted to hug someone. But I didn’t know anyone well enough. And though I wanted to, asking such a thing of her parents seemed inappropriate. And I know if I did, I would have totally lost it. And so I didn’t.
But I wanted to.
Tonight, as the evening’s progressed, I’ve become more and more sad. I’ve been crying a fair amount, as this has been the first time I’ve thought of Ann in a long, long while. I think it’s been accumulating.
But it’s good. I’m getting it all out and the sadness, though it hurts, is becoming less frequent. Attending her funeral helped me immeasurably; I was a wreck before, and afterwards… I felt I could manage my grief better.
I still miss her a great deal. And I know tonight is a mixture of things. It’s me and my self-pity. It’s melodrama. It’s mourning and remembering. It’s coming to terms with the fact that she’s a full year in the past.
The funeral itself was open to the public, but the burial was a private affair. I’m not even sure where she’s buried, actually. After the service, the family left for the burial and I got in my car and drove the other direction.
I’ve mentioned this before but I really do plan on driving back out to Bay City some future day. Drive there, find her, and just talk. I’m not sure about what, but it’s something I know I will do. Much like attending the funeral was a necessary thing for me after her death, visiting her again seems like the next step. The next thing to do.
I was writing a blog today and thinking of Ann and wondered if she still existed outside of memory. Grad school was a while ago, before the web really took off, and yet I wondered if somewhere there was an online memorial, if she persisted, which is how I found you. I’m not sure if you remember me from OSU, but I’m glad to have read both this and your other post on her anniversary. I think about her more often than she would have expected and less often than she deserved.
I miss her writing very much, and and miss her. Thanks for sharing her here, Felix.Susan McGowan (August 12, 2010 at 3:11 pm)
Hi, Susan. It’s been over ten years, but of course I remember you. I’m glad you were able to find these pages, despite the circumstances. Once every year or so, friends of Ann find my blog and it’s nice to have others who also remember (and miss) her.
I’m glad to have Epilog reading posted, as it’s nice to hear her voice. I know I’ve said it before, but looking back… I really wish I had more photos from that time.avoision (August 13, 2010 at 12:11 pm)
I was a student of Ann’s and she really helped me find my voice, and encouraged me to apply for M.F.A. programs. She even gave me a book of hers to encourage me more once my workshop ended.
Once I learned of Ann’s passing, I ordered her thesis from OSU to revisit her poems again. She was an amazing poet. I especially love a poem of hers about the world as an orange, and I remember her reading that poem at Mother Tongue. Is there any chance any of her poems have been published? I wish I could help publish them for her now. Is this too big a wish?
Thank you for your words. I am happy to connect with anyone who knew Ann and her wonderful and graceful existence.
I am truly saddened and shocked by her death. She had a warm and lasting influence in my life. I only wish I could have told her before she died. She will always have a strong place in my memory.
And I am sorry for your loss.Lyn Canterbury (August 28, 2012 at 7:03 pm)
I am Ann’s Mom and miss her terribly. I know she had an incredible circle of friends. I, too, loved her voice in her writing. Her poetry has not been published but it would be a dream of mine to see her words live on through publication. I hope not too much time has passed. Feel free to contact me to help this dream come true.Kathy Paeth (December 20, 2017 at 3:53 pm)
Hi Felix. You don’t know me, but I briefly dated Ann (very small window, about 3 months) before she passed away. I wish I could’ve given you a hug at the funeral. I think about her often, but especially this time of year. This is how I came across your blog. I have read your entries about Ann before, but I didn’t emotionally have the courage to reach out. Funny, after 14 years, I still find it hard to process. If you ever want to chat or share memories, I’d be happy to talk/write/text.Jon Hazlett (October 5, 2018 at 10:55 am)