Alcohol: Start Happy, End Crying (Part 2)

Jenny and I had some good, interesting conversations. Lots of relationship stuff. Really good conversations, actually.

Lost track of how many drinks we had. I feel like a lightweight anymore, as far as my liver is concerned. Also – there’s something about hanging out with Jenny that’s problematic. I never seem to be able to pace myself for shit when drinking with her. Typically, it’s drink-drink-drink-alright-gotta-go-seeya-spinny-gone.

I vaguely remember tequila shots. Vaguely.

What I do remember is leaving the bar really upset. Not sure why. As I recall, Jenny and I were talking, and she said something which upset me pretty bad. I don’t think it was a mean, personal thing – I think I just had an incredibly sad reaction to her comment. My guess is that it had something to do with Chelsea.

I grabbed my stuff, said I needed to go, and left. Jenny kept trying to talk to me more, but I just needed to get out of there. Started crying after I hit the sidewalk, and walked home. Weird weird weird. It’s not like I burst into fucking tears every other day.

The only other thing it could have been was my whole "staying at home/isolation" thing, which we talked about. But it’s not like I’m unaware of that part of me. I can always change that social ratio if I wanted to. So I can’t see myself getting upset over THAT. Like I said, I’m guessing it had to do with Chelsea.

Which sucks. I mean, shit. 4 months now. Come the fuck on. It’s not like I want to be sad like this. I want to move on, I want to let the past stay in the past, I want to get out from underneath this thing and get OVER it. And I don’t mean, necessarily, finding "someone else." All I’m asking for is to be able to have some shred of self-confidence and self-esteem back. My ego has been pretty much shattered since the break up, and I’ve been trying, albeit slowly, to pick up the pieces.

I’m going back over things again, in my head. Spontaneous public crying. What. The. Fuck.

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