Rant

I’ve been unmotivated all day today. I have things to get done (for work), but the energy and enthusiasm simply isn’t there. Part of that is due to a lack of personal connection/interest in the subject at hand, but a bigger part of it lies in the fact that I’m working. On a weekend. Again.

Because I’m unmotivated and uninvolved (and to be quite frank, burning out), what I ultimate end up producing looks to me like crap. So not only am I getting things done slowly, I’m unsatisfied with the end result.

I had a crappy ass week last week, where most of my time was spent either on the phone or filling out emails that resembled term papers. I’m tired of doing other people’s legwork. I’m tired of testing other people’s work, only to find errors. I’m tired of continuing to find errors, despite having pointed to specific lines of code that were faulty. I’m tired of being the person who delivers what everyone else promises.

I’m really getting tired of working extra hours.

I slept a lot today. Even though I don’t think I was all that tired, it’s been a day where a lot of my time was on the couch. And I feel guilty about not getting more done. And I feel a bit guilty for not having gotten more done yesterday, to boot. And I’m really not liking this guilt.

What I hvaen’t finished by now will get done tomorrow. But things are lined up at work in such a way that, whatever delay happens now will only create more work for me (in less time) later on.

I already know it’s going to be a shitty week at work. The shittiness will extend itself into my next weekend (Saturday), and the week following is going to be just as bad, if not worse.

I need something to happen. I need to get revitalized somehow. My energy or my enthusiasm or something needs to pick up because I simply don’t feel like I have the steam in me to keep going. I need to have, laid out for me, what a reasonable workload entails… what a reasonable number of hours per day is. I need to have lines drawn between performance that is considered poor, adequate, and exceptional, and determine where along those lines I fall.

Right now, I care about all the projects and meeting my deadlines. But my energy level is crap. I either need to improve my outlook/energy, or find some way to simply not care.