Trapped in the Closet

Ok. Holy shit.

Where in the hell have I been? How did it take this long for me to find out about R. Kelly’s magnum opus, Trapped in the Closet?

This thing has had me (and everyone in the office) beyond speechless. I’ve laughed harder than I can remember in a really, really long time. This thing is like some kind of magnificent car wreck – you know it’s probably better if you turn away, but you… just… can’t.

All day today, folks at work have been singing “Don’t open the CLOOOOOSET!”


I’m not the kind of fanboy that goes around making soundboards. But by god, this thing has made me want to make one. This thing – this series, this opera, this story. Amazing.

For those that haven’t yet clicked on the link, this is a really lengthy story that has more twists and turns than you can imagine. The entire thing isn’t sung as much as it’s “talked through” by R. Kelly. The phrases “He said,” and “She said,” are everywhere. As is the phrase “And then I…”

The best way to summarize this experience? It’s a visualization of everything you shouldn’t do, when writing a short story. This should be a requirement for every fiction workshop, at every university.

Here are some particularly choice lyrics:

And I said I caught a cramp
And she said please keep on goin
I said my leg is about to crack
Then she cries out
Oh my goodness, I’m about to climax
And I said cool
Just let go of my leg

To top things off, this link only covers the first five chapters. There are a total of TWELVE! To find the rest, you’ll have to track it down via bit torrent. But I promise you, it’s SO freaking worth it.

I’ve watched all twelve episodes now (there are rumors R. Kelly has plans for 20 episodes). And so far? After something like 40 minutes of video and song and story? I still can’t tell whether or not the man is serious.

There’s one of two possible explanations here. R. Kelly has either totally lost touch with reality and gone ’round the bend. Or he’s revealing himself as one of the most amazing comic geniuses of our time. And I swear to Christ – I can’t tell which one is more plausible.

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