Jealous of Myself

This is a story from maybe a week ago.

Ever since the pandemic started, we’ve tried to do most of our grocery shopping via Instacart. What this means is that I tend to place the order early in the mornings (we tend to get better quality produce for the bunnies if I place orders early).

I try to give Liz some advance notice, and she ends up sending me a list of things she wants to include in the order.

Tonight, it was pretty late. It was around 11:50 PM and we were both in the kitchen getting a glass of water. We were about to turn off all the lights on the first floor and head up to bed.

As we’re standing there, Liz pulls out her phone and is apparently sending a text message. To someone.

She’s been working a lot of late nights this week. And I know her coworkers have also been pulling some pretty crazy hours lately. But given the time, it seems too late even for work messages.

Who, I wondered, could she possibly be texting at this hour? Even if it was work-related, it seemed incredibly inappropriate to be messaging this late at night. And as I was thinking about all this, I found myself getting extremely jealous. Who is my wife talking to, at this late hour? At midnight, on a Tuesday?

When I finally say something to this effect, Liz kind of looks at me funny. When I mention I’m confused who she might be talking with so late at night, she reaches into my pocket… and pulls out my phone. And shows me the small list of grocery items she just sent me.


It’s been some time now, since this happened. And I’ve heard no end of this moment. If something comes up that involves a prior discussion or a prior decision, or some sitatuion that I can’t remember… she’ll say to me “Maybe that was my other husband.”

[Photo via Tevin Trinh]

My Wife Texts Me a Short Tirade Made Entirely of Profanity, Which Leaves Me Confused And Slightly Worried

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