Today

I saw this today, and nearly yelled out from happiness. I have been watering several pots now, for months, that are seemingly just bowls of dirt. But today, I found this shamrock stem standing tall, and it made me really, really happy.

Lately, I keep meaning to go back and write more about Ann’s death. More about how I felt during those days.

There have been moments where I wanted to paste emails on here. Conversations we’ve shared. Poems she’s written. Recordings I have of her reading her work. What few photographs I have of her. I’ve held off because it seems like an invasion of privacy. But I want those of you who don’t know her, to be able to know her.

I haven’t gone back and written about it because, honestly, I’m not sure I’ve dealt with it fully myself. For several days after I found out about Ann’s death, I spent all my time outside of work at home. Typically crying. Or drunk. Or a little of both. Being around friends, I propped up a flimsy version of myself that went about the day. Any spare moment I had alone, I immediately fell back into myself.

For three or four days, I felt like complete shit. And then… on returning from her funeral, the immense feeling of sadness and hopelessness stopped. And I’m stil not entirely sure why. I still get sad time to time, but nowhere near on the level of those first few days.

Tonight, I felt like I could write a bit about how I feel. I think I’m still pretty scared to write what I really think or feel, but I’m getting closer.

There’s a lot I wish I had done. I wish I had recorded the outright rage and anger I felt, on finding out about her death. I wanted answers so very badly from someone. Anyone. I was angry with God, and wanted some kind of reckoning. I hated myself for not calling her more often, for not staying in touch better.

I miss my friend Ann. She was a great writer. She was a dancer. She had an intimidating familiarity with the Simpsons, and could cite quotations better than anyone else I’ve ever met. She was smarter than any woman I’ve ever loved. And she was way too fucking young to have died.

I miss my friend Ann. I think you would have liked her.