Goodbye, Uncle Jacky
My Uncle Jacky passed away last week, and Liz and I made our way to Indianapolis today, to pay our respects. There was a service for him last Monday, in Georgia; there was a second service today in Indiana, where he would be laid to rest.
It was under terrible circumstances, but I was able to see a lot of family members I don’t often get to see. My Auntie Carolyn (Jacky’s wife) and my cousins David and Allison (Jacky’s kids) were there. My aunt Becky and cousin Jenny were also in town, along with Jenny’s daughter, Mia. My cousin Jordan was staying at our house, with his parents (my Auntie Dawn and Uncle Corky).
My father is a very stoic man. He’s quick to show excitement, his enthusiasm and laughter come to the surface pretty quickly. Hearing my father’s voice shake on the phone, hearing him crying into the receiver… seeing my father’s face go red with tears, and watching him cry. These are things I haven’t seen very often in my life, and it shook me to see. My uncle Jacky was my father’s younger brother.
One of the very worst things from this weekend was the sound of my grandmother, sobbing uncontrollably. Without exaggeration, this is the absolute worst thing I’ve ever had to experience. I got to see her right as she arrived at the funeral home, and on hugging her, she immediately broke down.
It’s a very difficult thing, watching the people you care about, hurting.
The service itself was very nice. My Uncle Benny gave a nice speech, quoting Emerson’s “A Successful Life.” My Uncle Corky told a very amazing, moving story about how he and my Uncle Jacky travelled to America together, on their own.
After the service, at the restaurant, I sat with Auntie Carolyn, David and Allison over dinner. My Auntie Carolyn was immeasureably strong. It was almost as if, through sheer will, she was being this pillar that other people could lean on. David and Allison were both fairly subdued, but in good spirits.
All through the weekend, and even on the ride up – I had this one thought. I don’t know what this says about me, but… I wanted to take David and Allison aside. I wanted to, I dunno, get some beer or something, get them drunk. They’re both near 18, but this was my impulse for some reason.
I kept trying to imagine what it might be like for them, and at each turn… couldn’t. Thinking back to when I was younger, in between high school and college… I tried to imagine how I would feel, how I would react. Were I in their shoes, I know I wouldn’t want any of the ceremony or formality. I wouldn’t want hugs and handshakes – I’d want liquor and cigarettes. I’d want to drink to excess, to cry, to yell at the world, to break things.
There was never a moment for this, nor did it seem all that appropriate. Still, this was my impulse, and my thinking throughout the weekend. I made it a point to tell both David and Allison that they were welcome in Chicago, should they ever get the itch to just… leave town, and camp out for a while. I hope they thought I was serious in my offer; I hope they take me up on it.
From Emerson:
To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
Goodbye, Uncle Jacky.
thanks for this post. ellen had a link to it on her blog and i’m glad i was able to read. i’m sorry for you and your family’s loss, but like she said, and you said, am glad that so much family was able to pull together and support each other, even thoug it’s such a hard time.thanks again for sharing.
aimee (April 18, 2007 at 1:11 am)