The Ticking Clock

Lately, the feeling of a ticking clock has pervaded my head a lot. I feel it most acutely during the working hours, and I’m not entirely sure why.

My work environment is fairly relaxed, and there’s seldomly an occasion that requires rapid action or quick responses.

I’ve found myself sometimes getting anxious in the moments before the work day “starts,” depsite the fact that we’ve been working from home for over a year now. If I’m in the kitchen and running a little late, I start to hear the sound of that clock.

But what does it matter? So what if I sit down at my desk at 9:08AM? I work more than the regular 9-5, and I’m not missing any meetings. But still, that clock.

Sure, work may be a small part. Same goes with Coronavirus. But I think there’s a larger part of me that knows I’ve always had a slight anxious/nervous streak, even when things are perfectly fine.

Lately, when tasks stack up a little bit… I’m feeling the same thing, having the same reaction. If I need to figure out dinner plans, cut up vegetables for the bunnies, and also mow the lawn… my brain starts to forecast ahead, starts making plans. And in order for X to happen, we need A then B then… and so on.

My brain just naturally goes down the implementation route. And I’m honestly not sure what part of this whole process is the problem. Should I stop trying to visualize/see all the branching paths that exist? Should I focus on a single route, and ignore the variations? Or should I simply acknowledge all the variations, and just care a lot less about them all?

The sound of that clock is coming from somewhere. And I’m finding it harder to ignore, at times. I think ultimately that sound is just the world, ambling along in its usual way. And what I think I hear is a clock, where none exists.

But it sounds pretty real, to me.

[photo via Saad Chaudhry]

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