Out Of Nowhere

Today, I found myself wondering if I was ever going to get married, ever going to have kids. The idea of turning 30 has started to creep into my brain as an eventuality, and I know I haven’t really come to grips with that idea, head on. A lot of friends that I know are involved in long-term relationships, are married, own property and homes, are doing the sort of serious, capital-A adult things that I imagine I should probably be doing as well.

Most of this is, I know, unfounded. At best, it’s media hype, it’s a culturally fabricated pressure that’s generated through movies and television dramas.

There’s this worry that bubbles up sometimes, when I’m not paying close attention. It’s this fear that, maybe, I’m falling behind. That somehow, I’m not quite keeping par with the rest of the world, with their houses, their weddings, their self-contained little families.

Keep in mind now, I never said I wanted all of this. It’s just the nagging feeling that everyone else is moving quickly along a particular track… and I find myself looking around, comparing the scenery. Some days, the more I sit here and try to sift through all the crap going on in my head, typing out my thoughts… I wonder if I’m not just stepping farther and farther away from that future, that relationship, that life.

Ugh. And so what else should I be doing? Trolling bars at night? The idea of doing that is viscerally distasteful to me. It feels like so much artifice, like pretending… and I don’t feel like someone who has the time or the inclination to indulge in that sort of thing.

And so what do I do? I hide away from the world, I type my little thoughts into the keyboard and share them with people I am not likely to see or talk to in person.

I’m not sure what my overall purpose is here. I’m not sad or depressed or anything. I just felt like rambling a bit, and typing out some thoughts I had. And lately, I feel like I’ve just been documenting events, and haven’t really offered much commentary. It’s been a while, dear reader, since I’ve really confessed much to you.

It felt time to do so. Just a little.