When I Grow Up…

This morning, I got an e-mail from an old high school friend of mine, Craig. He filled me in a bit on what he’s doing, and I responded to his e-mail only a few moments ago. As I was writing to him, describing what I’d been up to, what I was doing at work, etc etc… it struck me. I’m not sure about my future. I’m not entirely sure what I want to be doing, or where I want to be.

And I’m not terribly depressed by the lack of answers here. I think I’m just trying to assess things. I’m 28 right now, and in a little over a month I’ll be 29. Closing in on the big Three Oh. And what have I accomplished? What mark have I left on the world? What mark will I leave?

Do I want a house? Definitely. But where? Chicago? I know I want to be married at some point. Maybe married isn’t the right word. I guess I would someday like to be involved in a monogamous, life-long relationship based on shared interests, mutual admiration and altruistic passion. Something like that – but marriage seems to be a generic term that encompasses all that, in one form or another.

I was exactly like this when I was seventeen, by the way. Wondering about the future, and how the world would receive me. Fixated on mortality, and hungry for some way to create meaning out of my life. But then again, who doesn’t think that way when they’re seventeen?

The fire seems to be missing. I wanted to write poetry – blam. Did that for three years. I wanted to learn Flash. Blam. Been doing that, still doing that. I want to lean Photoshop more, databases. Am I measuring my life by computer applications? I wanted to publish a book of poems. I still do, but that desire isn’t nearly as obsessive as it was, say, five years ago. I guess I’m realizing that what used to drive me has lessened; I’m realizing perhaps, I need to find it again.

I’m not upset by this thought process. I’ve been asking myself these Big (capital B) questions since I could steal money from my parents and buy cigarettes. What’s slightly unsettling is that, for the first time I can recall in recent memory… I don’t have an answer.