Happy Birthday
This is an image outside my window, from the upstairs office. With Daylight Savings Time having kicked in just yesterday, it was extremely dark when I got up. But the plus side to this is that I got to see the slow transition from darkness into day, which I always love.
It’s a rough image, so apologies for that. The window is dirty, and there’s a layer of plastic to help keep in the heat. But you get the idea of what I was seeing this morning.
Back when I used to go to the gym with some regularity, that was one of the best feelings: seeing the sun break, and watching the room slowly fill with light. Leaving the gym was also a good feeling, but comes a close second to the sunlight.
Funny story. Poets Billy Collins and William Matthews once had a contest to see who could come up with the best oxymoron. There were some standard ones: jumbo shrimp, military intelligence, and so on.
Matthews won with “Happy Birthday.”
I love that story, and how dark it is – particularly on a day like today. Whenever I see folks wishing me a happy birthday, I think of this story and it never fails to illicit a chuckle.
All day today, I’ve putzed. I’ve lost a lot of steam, and don’t really have a lot of focus. I just haven’t felt all that motivated to do much of anything.
Today is my actual birthday, and I’ve lingered on the day more than I did last year (when I turned 40). I don’t think I ever really came to grips with that particular milestone, and may have successfully just buried those thoughts/feelings for some time. It feels like all the anxieties of hitting 40 are just now starting to bubble up.
I’m not actually doing it, but it feels like I’m quietly wringing my hands just a little bit.
There’s been a feeling of… listlessness. It’s hard to describe. I’m incredibly fortunate for my life, and the people in it. My family. My wife. The fact that I have a job, and enjoy what I do, and like the people I work with. All of these things are things to be happy about.
But this feeling again. I feel unmoored. I don’t have a clear sense of purpose or direction. Perhaps, after those years studying poetry and writing about death have finally caught up with me. Perhaps I’m on the verge of my mid-life crisis.
Maybe it’s Maslow’s hierarchy. I dunno.
I’ve thought that I should make some kind of a list. What is it I want to do? That question in and of itself is kind of daunting right now. It’s blurring between what I want to do, what I want to create, what I want to be remembered for. What difference have I made? What impact have I had?
I’m fairly certain I’m not on the verge of buying a motorcycle. Nor am I going to turn around and found an orphanage. But lately, I know what it is that I’m doing… but I’m wondering what it is I want to do. A small distinction, but one I’m starting to kick around.
I get into these slumps every once in a while. It’s nothing serious, and usually passes after a few days. But I think the timing of it all, getting older, and being in my 40’s… that’s colored things a little bit. It’s got me thinking that… I need to do some more thinking.
Maybe I need to revisit my writing. Put together and publish an actual book. Maybe I need to pick up my guitar again and learn some new songs.
And a list. I need to make that list.
Related:
Awesome Birthday Surprise: My Office, Filled with Balloons
My Amazing (and Slightly Terrifying) Birthday Surprise
I still do believe that I’d be happy to come up with just a good, solid couplet that would outlast me.
avoision (March 10, 2015 at 8:08 pm)I’m in favor of hearing more guitar in the house. :)
Liz (March 11, 2015 at 9:26 am)Something to work on this weekend, I think.
avoision (March 11, 2015 at 2:06 pm)Happy(?) Belated! I saw it on the calendar and meant to wish it to you on the day but maybe it’s better I didn’t?
Mostly commenting I felt really similarly this past year: The anxieties I felt leading up to 30 amounted to nothing when my birthday hit the previous year.
But this past fall, 31 kinda hit me over the head unexpectedly. It took a while to recover, I feel like I just got back into a groove about a month and a half ago.
I think the milestone itself still feels momentous, still has some happy emotions attached with it; people want to ask you “how it feels” and want to celebrate with you, give you some good natured ribbing.
The next year is more… “Oh. I’m in my [$decade]’s now. For REAL.”
The passage of time. Oy. Ah well! We’ll get through it if it kills us. :)
Meagan (March 11, 2015 at 11:02 am)Good to hear someone else having the +1 reaction. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, in that the -0 milestone is more celebratory in nature. But at +1, it really does seem more tangible. more real.
avoision (March 11, 2015 at 2:09 pm)Oh and you should totally do more writing and guitar. I am going to get back into a weekly drawing habit as soon as I finish this round of freelancing — words + pictures collaboration???
Meagan (March 11, 2015 at 11:05 am)May be, may be. I still feel too green as a developer, and I feel rusty and outdated as a writer. Trying to figure out what it is I “do,” and do well.
Revisiting my poems feels like putting on a football jersey that I used to wear, back when I was 30 pounds lighter and still in high school.
Let me know where you end up posting your pictures – will be very curious to see!
avoision (March 11, 2015 at 2:11 pm)